well I have been really busy with school
so long time no write

people have been talking shit about my mom
my family
me
and it sucks
I saw the little shit spreading it
and I swear to god if my mom wasn't there I would lunge at him
what a jackass
did I mention that he is my dad's girlfriends son
yeah

I have been longing for love
more then usual that is
I just want
need
someone
so bad
but everyone my age is a pot smoking jerk
I hate it
but I WILL find someone
I hope

You'll go out in "style"

I find myself most comfortable lying on the floor
when I am sad I lock the door lay on my floor and cry

when I am sad I am the biggest hypocrite you will ever see
"I hate myself but I don't want to change"
basically many thing similar to that
but why am I more comfortable on my floor then with my family
I hide my real crazy self from them because they won't like them
I got more out spoken and they got mad and told me to stop
told me they liked the quiet listener better
maybe because I didn't tell them how self centered they all were
and how not everything I think about is you and your problems
they just don't comprehend they are not my main focus
crazy I know
Sorry I don't think of you ever hour of my life
but maybe if you were nicer and loved me like you should
I would respect you more
won't be too hard considering right now you have a big fat 0 in my book

You can mess with a lot of things, but not kids on christmas

I keep complaining
it is my new hobby apparently
I am too fat
too ugly
too annoying
I need to change
but I don't want to
I try to appear happy
I admire people from afar
I never take a chance
these are my qualities
I cry in private hoping no one sees
I hide myself
I don;t want to be me
I don't like me
I want to change
I want to stop
I want to stay on this dirty floor forever
but that won't make things better now will it
my thoughts are scambled
you put the together
I have too much on my mind to do that right now

I need someone

I am sitting at the beach
I hear laughter
joy
drunks
everything
I miss my friends
but I miss something more then that
something I've never had
something I want
love
I want someone to hold me
I want someone I can talk to
someone I can kiss
someone I can hug
someone that will hold me
someone that will tell me I am prety even though I am not
someone to be there
someone that loves me back

but I think I wll never get it
no I know I won't

You've got me almost figured out

My creative wheels have been turning
this day has been a day filled with top model, live earth, and A PROJECT
how I love days like these
the lazy days where you don't feel useless
another project that I am VERY excited has come into motion
It was not my idea
but I wish it was
that is how amazing
I hope I am able to help a lot
It is an amazing cause
more about it later
I do not want to be a spoil sport
:) LOVE YOU ALL
if there even is an all







you're bringing out the best in me

Just some thoughts

On the fourth of July
I found myself on the Navy bridge watching fireworks with my mom and friend
after a while I found myself growing bored
It was then I realized
beauty, it is fun to look at for a while
but after a while you grow bored of just that
it is not everything
so instead of starving to be seen as pretty
work on your personality
make that shit shine

THE ACADEMY IS...

Hey everyone
the academy is...is going on tour this fall
it is an amazing line up
and will be an amazing show
I am really excited for it
I know for a fact the academy is...is an amazing live band
and I am excited for the others
who by the way are
Armor For Sleep,
The Rocket Summer,
and Sherwood
so GO
:D thanks

I wish I could never wish again

Last night I stayed up very late
crying
silently because I had a friend over and I didn't want her to see me
It was just one of those days
the day when you question if you will ever find that one person
the person everyone else has
and you desperately need
I am happy for my friends
but oh so so so jealous
Old people tell me how pretty I am
But it is hard to believe them when the mirror tells me different
whispering harsh words into my ear
telling me the truth
and when no one else contradicts it
You start believe
my friends don't tell me I am pretty
except one
my friends don't tell me I look good
except one
my friends don't tell me I am thin
except one
and I realized that ONE is all I need
she knows me
she knows what I am going through
because we are the same
SHE KNOWS ME BECAUSE SHE IS LIKE I AM
that quote (changed around) means so much to me right now
maybe I will NEVER find that one person
maybe they found someone else
maybe they are gone
maybe they never came
but as long as I always have this one friend I WILL BE FINE
it will be harder but she will help me
I thank God everyday for this friend
thank you that I found her
she was always there, just overlooked- put on the back burner
but when I needed her
she stepped up
and I will never make her second best EVER again
we have our lives planed to a t
and I wouldn't have it any other way
so thank you for being there
thank you for knowing
because without you
I would be a lonely girl on the floor.
I truly love you

close your eyes, hold your breath and shut your mouth

I wish I lived at the soup kitchen
I love it there
the people you serve are so unbelievably nice
the politleness you should expect from everyone else
is what they excel in
if this makes sense
It is always "thank you dear" "if you don't mind sweety"
it is so hard to wipe the smile off my face when I am there.
The people I serve are so nice
but the people that do the serving, are just as lovely,
joking and laughing, so caring and nice, they know how to make you smile and feel good.
they are so thankful and just love to give
giving is what they're good at and they do it as much as they can
while we were praying
a man thanked god for waking him up
another had been clean for two weeks on his own
another thanked god for US
I don't thank god enough
we should all start
Dear Mom,
I think I found my hero.

keep going--they are

I wear a key and an anchor around my neck

one to remind me who owns access to my heart, and no keep in mind it is mine fault if it is broken
and one to keep my hopes, and head from not going to far.

I need to write here more.
I still feel just as alone.
my heart is aching for something lately.
literally aching
and I keep getting dizzy.
I am always an edge
expecting something to happen
waiting and hoping
not knowing.
I found someone who knows how I feel
It is the best feeling ever.
She and I can just talk
and I know she knows
where is the boy version of her
wake me up when you find it

"An angel got her wings.."

"...And we'll hold our heads up knowing that she's fine.We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.Friends stay side by side,In life and death you've always stole my heart,You'll always mean so much to me, it's hard to believe this..."

Yesterday my whole school was gathered in the gym.
Teachers surrounded OUR class.
We were thinking the next 9/11
another talk about myspace
then the thought of our friend Erinn crossed our mind, but no, she was fine.
Wrong.
My headmistress started off saying she was sending the seniors off on their retreat
"the seniors got in a car crash?!"
no
Then she said she had got a message from Mr. ----
The whole freshman class heads dropped, tears streaming down our faces.
Sobs drowning our ears.
Our big sister class, then juniors came over to comfort us.


Erinn died from cancer.
She was diagnosed with it in sixth grade.
It was in her knee and it was treated.
Seventh grade better.
Eigth grade great.
But then it spread.
We thought it was better.
Nineth grade less and less.
Now never again.

It is not fair.
She was the sweetest girl I have ever met in my life.
Always a smile.
It was a good day if it was spent at school
She was the shortest girl in our class, but took it as an honor,
She lauged at anything and everything
She was someone to have random converstations with.
Someone that had eeverything to complain about, but never did.
the strongest person I have ever met.
A true inspiration.

THe first time we became friends
gym class. her leg just started bothering her
I had a broken arm
we both wanted to play soccer
I was her leg, she was my arm, and we played. and feel.

The last time she told me she loved me and I saw her.
At a fall out boy concert she had wanted to go to but couldn't
I went
They gladly signed my sock after me and my friends asked.
We gave it to her
She told us we were her lives
hugged us
and said she loved us.

She was only 14.
It is not fair.

I miss you Erinn
You knew I was odd
but you did not care
you attacked life with a smile
and it was a privlage to know you.
I love you with all my heart,
and I miss you.

My tear stained eyes match these ink stained hands

Last night I felt like I was in the right place.
I was with the people I consider fake friends, but with a few added and a few subtracted if that makes any sence.
I felt happy, I felt good, for the first time in a while,
maybe they are real friends
maybe I am just icolating myself.
Maybe it is me, not them.

I do not know but I hope this feeling lasts.
Thanks for listening to me whine and complain
YOU mean more they you will ever know.

Going to take a walk with my doggies now, it is beautiful outside, and I plan on enjoying it.

Life is long

For those who have to wait.

Why do I find myself in that position so many times. [espeacially when he is brought up]
Lying on my carpet, legs held close to my chest.
Tears threatening my eyes.
My head daring myself to let them fall.
Questioning myself, how did I let this happen? How did I let it get that far? WHY!
How can a judge tell me what I have to do.
I am sure he does not know anything.
I have problems opening up to people I should open up to.
I open up to people I do not trust, fuck I am screwed up,
Reading the FOB artical, as stupid as it sounds, brought me close to tears
The part when Pete talked about when he felt so isolated at that boot camp place, from then on he kept emotions on the inside, how he knows people have it worse off them him though but how everyone is still fucked up.
I realize everyone has a tramatic even at this age.
He was 14 then
I was 14 when this began.
Maybe I am the opposite though, he doesn't open up, I do too much [to wrong peopple]
I am weird though I tell them what happend but tell them I am fine
I am not fucking fine
but it doesnt matter
they dont care
they tell me to make up with him
fuck no



I say I too much

Living Life on the Side Lines...

...Exactly what I am doing.
Way to much time on the internet
And I wonder how come I have no talenet
I do not try to find one,
It is no ones fault but my own.
I am going to stop spending so much time on here,
find some friends that care.
I read way too much as it is but I will read more,
Take more pictures,
go to more shows,
pick up some new things
Take a step out of the box and show myself and not be ashamed.
Watch out, I am unleashing myself.
It is going to be fucking crazzy.

It's a Sin To Kill a Mockingbird

I love letting go.
Forgetting for a few hours your friends may not be true.
Forgetting your family 'problems'
Forgetting everything and one that has hurt you in the past.
They can be your best or worst hours of your life.
It depends on how you make it and if you can let everything go.

I let it go at an 80s dance I went to last night.
The thing about me is I do not want or need to drink or do drugs for this to happen, and I love myself for that.
I dressed like the phyco I am, hot pink tights a tutu an 80ish shirt and hot pink arm warmers,
I wish I could wear it everyday to be honest.
I danced like the maniac I am.
I have never had a problem with dancing like a freak.
I love it, you laugh, people laugh, and it is fun.

Basically my night was great, first time for a while.
But you couldn't let it go that way could you.
You had to find a way to ruin it.
Because when I am happy and when I finally let go, you know I am not thinking of you and you cannot stand it,
well guess what. I barely think of you anymore.
All the textmessages you send me saying "I love you"
make me realize what a coward you are and were.
Too afraid to call, when I see you donot think I do not feel your stare.
You had the fucking indecancy to come to my GRANDFATHERS funeral, not a call before that for your symathy and say, HI MAG HOW'RE YA like we are old friends, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONLY MAN IN MY LIFE THAT DID NOT HURT ME DIED. fuck you fuck you fuck you
love, never again
you fucking blew it buddy



wow sorry everyone.


love
the best mother fucking tea maker you have ever met
and that is no lie

New York Eyes

I went to New York Sunday.
To be honest, I did not find it amazing.
It was not the first time I have been, and all the other times I have loved it.
But this time it was different,
maybe it was because I have experianced more then before,
maybe it was because the only thing everyone wanted to do is shop which is fine, I would just rather do other things,
maybe it was because I see the worst in things.
NO. I do not see the worst in things, sometimes people sometimes not, usually, usually it's me on my way to where ever in the car looking out the window simply amazed.
Usually I am the one opening up to people so quickely [too quickly]
Maybe I am just so amazed at things, the same things I no loner welcome changed with 'open arms'
maybe that is why I am stuck, stuck in this boring rutine I call a life.
Maybe I need change, if I like it or not.
But who knows.

Going to go read To Kill A Mocking Bird for english class.
It is truely amazing.
If you ever get the chance, meet my english teacher, she is something that will amaze you , and that, my dear, is NO understatement.



just telling it like it is.

Our hearts beat for the 'die hards'

Oh yeah,
Happy Valentines day.
=

Crowds are Won and Lost and Won again

Sorry I have not updated in a while.
My Pop-Pop just died.
It was a horrible process.
Somone you love so much dies, and then you have to jump right into arrangements.
Then the acual veiwings consit of people saying "I am so sorry" "I know exactly how you feel"
No, you do not fucking know how I feel.
No two persons realationship is the exact same to another two peoples.
Everyone shows love differently
Feels it differently.
SO do not fucking come up to me telling me you know because you don't.

No one loves the same as me.
No one feels the same towards a person as me.
No one expresses it like me.
No one knows.
No one is the same.

That is what I realized.


I miss you Pop-Pop, I love you, you mean so much to me.
You weren't like another Grandfather, you weren't the kind to spoil me, or give me candy.
You were so fucking better.
You taught me strength.
You taught me courage.
You taught me independance.
You are one of the people i have learned so much from.
You were the strongest men I have ever met.
I think that I have so much bagage.
But really it was you, YOU carried so much with you in one life time.
I do not know how you did it.
But you raised five children, and five grandchildren, and you did a great fucking job.
I love you.
I will never forget you.
You, Sir, are the best grandfather I could ever ask for.
I miss you.
And one of the many great memories I have of you is after you got that disease.
When you stole the sugar packets, and you would give them to me and say "You're a good girl."
That is something I will never forget Pop Pop.
ANd i will NEVER forget you.

Today I Saw My World Explode

How come when I'm finally happy with myself, people hate me.
"Maggie why are you so mean/__________"
It's called a sense of humor.
Right now I am scared I will never find a person like me.
I'm scared the best friend that is like me same sense of humor and all is not there.
I mean is it bad I want one person just like me to talk to, to get me.
I try so hard to find them but they aren't there.
I know it's like "wait and it will come to you."
But I'm tired of fucking waiting.
I have done it my whole mother fucking life, and I'm ready to have it, someone anyone.
If your someone like me
and you think we share the same problems and veiws
talk to me
because I need you



i sound like a fucking comercial.

The loneliness you feel has come to you because you are no longer a child. But the world has always been full of that loneliness.

Today I sat with my dog, Blake, at the window watching the sun set.
It gives you perspective.
I felt the happiest I have for a long time.

"Cross my heart and Hope to Die"

Yesterday on my way home from school it was snowing.
The flakes were coming straight for the car like they were going to crash into my face.
But they didn't.
The car was designed to 'keep me safe' from the road, the weather, and people.
Then I realized that's how i go through life.
I keep myself isolated from everything.
Nature is the one thing I connect to.
It's weird.
I look outside and I feel as if it knows how i feel.
It changes to make people happy.
People want snow
people want rain
people want sun.
People want smiles
people want tears
people want inteligants.
I also realized
You cant always make everyone happy.
Some people want snow so bad
others despise it.
Everyone is never going to be happy with it, but some people will.

more later.
thanks for reading

"I Know Them Because I Am Like They Are"

I think I just fell in love with the moon.
I was reading in my bed room and i saw it through the blinds.
Instictively I put up my blinds and saw it.
The moon, obstructed by clouds, but more beautiful then I have ever seen it.
It made my stomach flip.
I suppose it give me a sense that I'm not alone.
I feel as if I know someone else is staring at it as well, feeling the same way I do.
Maybe he's the person I'm supposed to be with, maybe.
All the books im reading now are giving me a sense of understand I never thought possible, I recomend them.
I now notice things I never notice.
I talk to people I never talk to,
I appricate things more,
and the best part is...
I'm happier then I have been in a while.
More tomorrow.

Never try to capture the moons beauty for you can never come close.

"The strange, weed-infested, junky,wonderful, senseless yet beautiful world."

My mind is constantly wondering.
I tell myself stories of amazing things I wish would happen so maybe they will or maybe it will bring a smile to my face.
I lie to myself.
I say "It will happen, tomorrow will be better"
I promise things I can't keep, things out of my control.
I can't make someone love me.
I can't even make someone like me.
I give the wrong impression of myself to people, they get the wrong idea and then I never hear from them again.
I think I do this on purpose.
It's easier for someone to leave now rather then later.
But how many times have you heard that, and how many times has it worked?
I don't know I just want to see if someone will try to look 'deep down.'
If someone cares that much.

Until then I will continue to escape my life.
Make up the little stories in my head.
Hide from reality.
Hell, I'm reading three books at once to get away.
1. "To Kill A Mockingbird" for school but I also Love it so far.
2. "A Farewell To Arms" I love it, almost done but wishing there was more.
3. "Perks of Being a Wall Flower" started it yesterday. A lot of people have told me to read it so I am.

I'll let you know how they are.
untill then I'll trudge through life, finding nice places to stop along the way.

""'Tonight is tonight, and tomrrow is tomorrow"

something for someone

Words off my chest
You never liked me like you loved the rest
Words that needed to be said
Words that have built up in my head
[Are now out in the open]

I finally had the courage t say how I feel
I believed what you told me
All the lies
Used to make me stay
Have been relieved [from your grasp]

The words out in the open
Ringing in my ears
Finally I took charge
And told you what needed to be said

And guess what
They were right
The truth does set you free
And I feel the best I have in a long time.

"They are not organized to stop things and when they get organized their leaders sell them out."

Ever want to start over?
Leave everything behind and have no one judge you from you past?
I want to, but even though my friends don't care as much, it would still be hard leaving eveyone/thing I have known for so long.
I have lived in this house forever, gone similar private catholic schools.
Everything, I hate it, yet I'm scared to leave it.
I do but I don't.
My mom always tells me "If you're unhappy here, find different living arragements"
Dear mom, I'm 15 years old, my friends parents don't want to take me in, there is no one my siblings will, and there is no way I can provide for myself, thanks for the thought though.
At least when I go off to college I can be provided for and not live here.
Too bad its 3 years away.
I already planed out what I want to.
Getting out is my dream, leaving is my nightmare.
How do you get up and leave a life you know, something so rutine?
How do you just leave no turning back.
When you figure it out
Let me know
God knows I'll be waiting my the phone.

I'm Alone In This House Head and Bed

Home alone today.
Sick, except I'm not.
You see today is Parent Day.
I being the kind of girl to run from her problems was afraid her father would show up.
I decided it best to stay home rather then to cause some sort of in school drama.
I think i made a good decision because I have had some time to think.
I realized a lot about myself.
It's only been about 3 hours, so i realized why I choose people that don't care about me for friends.
It's because I need constant interaction with people.
Maybe I was wrong in my previous posts.
"I don't do so well on my own."
I don't know what else to write
I'm probally going to watch "Little Mrs. Sunshine" soon.
The family reminds me of mine.
Maybe that ending will be like mine.
Or maybe I'll just hope.
We all know what happens when I do that.

On the corner before him, thirty yards away stood a shy, lonely looking girl of eighteen or nineteen tired, hushed, and therefore beautiful...

"...Not clowning, without any permediation, swiftly and easiy, he reached the girl, paused a moment, and kissed her on the cheek. Before he moved on he told her the only thing it was possible to say: 'You are the loveliest woman in the world.'"

I try not to be jealous.
I doesn't work
I look at other people and say "Why can't you be more like them"
I constantly am disappointed with myself for no reason,
everything I do I should have done another way, or better.
I wish I wasn't so stuborn, I am glad I can admit when I'm wrong, but if you don't have proof then you have nothing.
I act so sure of myself, and people seem to buy it.
Maybe it's because no ones ever looked so far down to see.
It seems everyone has one person they can tell everything to, someone the mentally connect with, a best friend.
One thing I'm deprived of
I mean if I had one I would not care as much about everything else.
I just want that one person.
I mean I do not need a boyfriend
it's not like I need to get married tomorrow.
I just want a best friend.
But wanting goes to hoping, hoping goes to wishing, and wishing leads to getting crushed.

he had eyes, and beyond eyes vision, and beyond vision, heart and love and hunger---to know

I'm alone in this world.
That's how its always been.
That's what I brace myself everyday when I wake up.
I expect fake smiles, fake laughs, fake "I love yous"
but that's your result from fake people I suppose.
I just wish I could find a real friend, I wish maybe I could get along with my family.
But just beause I wish it doesnt make it happen, unfortunatly.
I know I let my family down with the way I am, but I have changed my self so many times for their approval I'm done.
I'm fimally happy with myself.
BUt why is it no one else is.
maybe I chose the wrong person to be.
Maybe one day I won't have to be alone.
But at least I know I can.
At least I've learned not to rely on anyone
maybe that's not a good thing