"The strange, weed-infested, junky,wonderful, senseless yet beautiful world."

My mind is constantly wondering.
I tell myself stories of amazing things I wish would happen so maybe they will or maybe it will bring a smile to my face.
I lie to myself.
I say "It will happen, tomorrow will be better"
I promise things I can't keep, things out of my control.
I can't make someone love me.
I can't even make someone like me.
I give the wrong impression of myself to people, they get the wrong idea and then I never hear from them again.
I think I do this on purpose.
It's easier for someone to leave now rather then later.
But how many times have you heard that, and how many times has it worked?
I don't know I just want to see if someone will try to look 'deep down.'
If someone cares that much.

Until then I will continue to escape my life.
Make up the little stories in my head.
Hide from reality.
Hell, I'm reading three books at once to get away.
1. "To Kill A Mockingbird" for school but I also Love it so far.
2. "A Farewell To Arms" I love it, almost done but wishing there was more.
3. "Perks of Being a Wall Flower" started it yesterday. A lot of people have told me to read it so I am.

I'll let you know how they are.
untill then I'll trudge through life, finding nice places to stop along the way.

""'Tonight is tonight, and tomrrow is tomorrow"

something for someone

Words off my chest
You never liked me like you loved the rest
Words that needed to be said
Words that have built up in my head
[Are now out in the open]

I finally had the courage t say how I feel
I believed what you told me
All the lies
Used to make me stay
Have been relieved [from your grasp]

The words out in the open
Ringing in my ears
Finally I took charge
And told you what needed to be said

And guess what
They were right
The truth does set you free
And I feel the best I have in a long time.

"They are not organized to stop things and when they get organized their leaders sell them out."

Ever want to start over?
Leave everything behind and have no one judge you from you past?
I want to, but even though my friends don't care as much, it would still be hard leaving eveyone/thing I have known for so long.
I have lived in this house forever, gone similar private catholic schools.
Everything, I hate it, yet I'm scared to leave it.
I do but I don't.
My mom always tells me "If you're unhappy here, find different living arragements"
Dear mom, I'm 15 years old, my friends parents don't want to take me in, there is no one my siblings will, and there is no way I can provide for myself, thanks for the thought though.
At least when I go off to college I can be provided for and not live here.
Too bad its 3 years away.
I already planed out what I want to.
Getting out is my dream, leaving is my nightmare.
How do you get up and leave a life you know, something so rutine?
How do you just leave no turning back.
When you figure it out
Let me know
God knows I'll be waiting my the phone.

I'm Alone In This House Head and Bed

Home alone today.
Sick, except I'm not.
You see today is Parent Day.
I being the kind of girl to run from her problems was afraid her father would show up.
I decided it best to stay home rather then to cause some sort of in school drama.
I think i made a good decision because I have had some time to think.
I realized a lot about myself.
It's only been about 3 hours, so i realized why I choose people that don't care about me for friends.
It's because I need constant interaction with people.
Maybe I was wrong in my previous posts.
"I don't do so well on my own."
I don't know what else to write
I'm probally going to watch "Little Mrs. Sunshine" soon.
The family reminds me of mine.
Maybe that ending will be like mine.
Or maybe I'll just hope.
We all know what happens when I do that.

On the corner before him, thirty yards away stood a shy, lonely looking girl of eighteen or nineteen tired, hushed, and therefore beautiful...

"...Not clowning, without any permediation, swiftly and easiy, he reached the girl, paused a moment, and kissed her on the cheek. Before he moved on he told her the only thing it was possible to say: 'You are the loveliest woman in the world.'"

I try not to be jealous.
I doesn't work
I look at other people and say "Why can't you be more like them"
I constantly am disappointed with myself for no reason,
everything I do I should have done another way, or better.
I wish I wasn't so stuborn, I am glad I can admit when I'm wrong, but if you don't have proof then you have nothing.
I act so sure of myself, and people seem to buy it.
Maybe it's because no ones ever looked so far down to see.
It seems everyone has one person they can tell everything to, someone the mentally connect with, a best friend.
One thing I'm deprived of
I mean if I had one I would not care as much about everything else.
I just want that one person.
I mean I do not need a boyfriend
it's not like I need to get married tomorrow.
I just want a best friend.
But wanting goes to hoping, hoping goes to wishing, and wishing leads to getting crushed.

he had eyes, and beyond eyes vision, and beyond vision, heart and love and hunger---to know

I'm alone in this world.
That's how its always been.
That's what I brace myself everyday when I wake up.
I expect fake smiles, fake laughs, fake "I love yous"
but that's your result from fake people I suppose.
I just wish I could find a real friend, I wish maybe I could get along with my family.
But just beause I wish it doesnt make it happen, unfortunatly.
I know I let my family down with the way I am, but I have changed my self so many times for their approval I'm done.
I'm fimally happy with myself.
BUt why is it no one else is.
maybe I chose the wrong person to be.
Maybe one day I won't have to be alone.
But at least I know I can.
At least I've learned not to rely on anyone
maybe that's not a good thing